Sleepless nights

I can't sleep, my clothes are falling off of me (actually, this is an acceptable side effect) because the thought of eating makes me queasy, and as I sit and think about him, my chest hurts.

How can I be in love with someone else's husband? How did this happen?

I love my own husband. I truly do. We've been married for 18 years, and I still love the feel of his strong arms around me, and the feel of his lips on mine. Trouble is, perhaps, that our waning sex life (don't worry, no details forthcoming) has been a major issue for me for a long time now. He's just not interested. He's too tired. His back hurts. I try not to take it personally, but you know that I do. He's a young man, at 43 - these are excuses and nothing more. If he wanted me, he'd be on board.

Maybe it's that I feel now, after all these years, like I've married a friend. He is my friend. But am I still "in love" with this friend? I think so until my thoughts turn to Joe*. Then I'm just not sure.

Joe and I have so many things in common, where Brian* and I do not. Obviously, after so many years, we do have the normal things in common - two gorgeous daughters, how we feel about raising them, our dog, cat, and mutual friends. Normal things. Comfortable things.

But Joe... Joe has this way of looking at me. It's soul searching. It's penetrating. When we sing together (we formed a quartet last June with 2 other friends) we resonate. I feel it to my very core. When he touches me in passing... ah.

Joe is 15 years older than I am, and he's been married for 33 years to the same woman. I want to hate this woman. I want to find faults in her that would make wanting Joe just a little more acceptable. But the truth is, she's a fine person. She's smart, funny, and I respect her. We all have faults, and mine is shining loud and clear right now.

So... I love Joe. From a distance, and in silence. This blog is going to either help me deal with this, or make it worse. Only time will tell. Thanks for taking the journey with me.

_{*As this is anonymous blog, you know I'm not going to give you real names. I'm sure you'll be able to deal with that.}