Self Destructing

You know, I bring a lot of this on myself. I think knew I was in love with Joe when I invited him to join our forming group. Now I think back and wonder why I'd do that to myself. I could have left well enough alone, and minimized what time I spent with him. Did I not realize that forcing contact with him on a constant basis would only exacerbate the situation? I'm a smart woman, so yes, I must have known, at least on some level.

I feel the need to pick this apart a bit, so bear with me, will you?

Was I trying to get closer to him for my own selfish reasons? Or, on the other hand, did I think that maybe seeing him all the time would allow me to just "get used to him", and let the feelings gradually die off?

There were other reasons for it of course, that had nothing to do with feelings. Joe has a beautiful voice - he's a fantastic tenor, and a true compliment to our group. Fred*, our bass, has an equally strong voice, and at 72, he's a going concern! He's in better shape than the rest of us combined. Sherry*, our soprano and youngest member, has a lovely sweetness to her voice, and with my chesty alto, we really do make a wonderful team.

Sherry is the only other person on the planet who knows everything. I wonder though, if she's taking it seriously enough, or if she thinks I'm simply "infatuated" with Joe, and it will pass. Sorry Sherry, but I'd give so much if that were true.

There is nothing naive about me. I've been around, I know how people think, and I've thought this situation through backwards and forwards. Joe might very well love me, but he too is not a stupid man, and I don't think he's the type that would ever consider cheating on his wife. No more than I would consider cheating on my husband.

So what do I do?

Put on my big girl pants, suck it up, and behave accordingly. Try to keep my hands off of him. Try not to breathe in his scent when he hugs me hello, good bye, and "just because". Never look at him and get lost in his gaze.

Hope Brian takes me seriously, and does his part to get us back on track. Keep the tears in check while I sit here and try to get some work done.


_{* not their real names.}