Joe

You're probably wondering what Joe is doing, in the middle of this. Truth is, I'm just not sure. Am I sure that he has feelings for me? Yup. He's made that very clear. How far they go? Hopefully not as far as mine do.

Are you wondering if I'm just some nut-job on the prowl, looking to stir up trouble? A fair question, but again, I assure you that isn't the case. I have a conscience. I have morals. And now I have a problem.

When I met Brian all those years ago, it was love at first sight. I know, it sounds trite, but it's true. Had to be true, because we were both sweaty and grimy, and a far cry from meeting-scene perfection. I knew when I looked into his beautiful blue eyes, that I had found my match. Yet I still wonder to this day what would have happened had we really taken our time, and thought things through a little longer. We met in September, and were married the following June. Our first years together were the same as most couples - lots of physical, lots of butterflies.

Our first daughter came along, and I think that is where our good sex life ended. Both of my pregnancies were long term nightmares, and while I carried both safely and to term, they were painful months, and incredibly emotional. I'm the first to admit that I go slightly nuts (emotional-to-the-extreme) during pregnancy. Hormones have never been my friend, and this was chaos. During this time, we fought quite a bit, and then after she was born, our thoughts were more on her, and less on each other. And of course, my body was forever changed with the hormone therapy and subsequent pregnancy. I'm not stupid; I know that played a part in this. So Brian and I slowly drifted into a different sort of relationship.

I know what you're thinking. You think I'm writing this as a lead up to leaving my husband. You're wrong. I have no intention of ever acting on this. What I'm feeling, while it's slowly eating me alive, is something I don't think I can ever come to terms with in that way. No one can ever know how I feel about Joe. I don't want to hurt my husband, or my children, or the dozens of friends we share, on both sides. I can't bear the thought of breaking that many hearts. So for now, only mine will be broken.

In time, I hope it will heal. Make me stronger.