We spent a great weekend together; my group and I. It wasn't long enough, but it was full of joy and singing, and lots of hugs. I didn't sleep a wink Friday night for whatever reason, so come Saturday morning I was bleary eyed and not really up for the days' festivities. I went anyway, since I'd committed myself to the projects and don't like to let people down.
After the torch relay, which was quite a sight to see, Joe, Fred and I went for breakfast (Sherry had other commitments for the day) with another friend we used to sing with. I could barely keep my eyes open! Fortunately for me, I had two strong men to keep me upright, and share their body heat with me in the cold air. Joe certainly puts out a fair share of his own...
Yesterday, Fred and Joe came to our singing engagement bearing Christmas gifts - it was so lovely to get the tree ornaments they chose for us. They will never know how much they mean to me.
We shared our first kiss... very quick, very innocent given that our friends and my oldest daughter were standing nearby... but it will forever stay with me.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Dreams
I wish I could control my dreams. They're really getting to be a bit much. Not always steamy, but always filled with Joe. Joe and I laughing together. Joe holding me in his arms. Joe caressing my cheek...
Lately I've been waking up at 5am. This is significant, because I'm not a morning person. At all. Usually I'm a night owl, up until the crack of dark. It's how I prefer it. So this 5am nonsense has got to stop!
Seeing Joe and the rest tonight. We have a singing engagement for a couple of hours, and then I'm sure we'll be heading to a pub for some together time. We do have such a good time together, my group. This year has been the best one that I can remember. I'll be with him tomorrow morning too, for an Olympics-related gig, then Christmas caroling for a few hours. And again on Sunday... my heart thrills in anticipation of being near him so much, yet I know I'm not going to be sleeping much this weekend, and certainly it isn't good for me. I want to say he's not good for me, but that simply isn't true. I feel like I've come alive this past year, after being so long in hibernation, and he's a huge part of that.
Lately I've been waking up at 5am. This is significant, because I'm not a morning person. At all. Usually I'm a night owl, up until the crack of dark. It's how I prefer it. So this 5am nonsense has got to stop!
Seeing Joe and the rest tonight. We have a singing engagement for a couple of hours, and then I'm sure we'll be heading to a pub for some together time. We do have such a good time together, my group. This year has been the best one that I can remember. I'll be with him tomorrow morning too, for an Olympics-related gig, then Christmas caroling for a few hours. And again on Sunday... my heart thrills in anticipation of being near him so much, yet I know I'm not going to be sleeping much this weekend, and certainly it isn't good for me. I want to say he's not good for me, but that simply isn't true. I feel like I've come alive this past year, after being so long in hibernation, and he's a huge part of that.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Self Destructing
You know, I bring a lot of this on myself. I think knew I was in love with Joe when I invited him to join our forming group. Now I think back and wonder why I'd do that to myself. I could have left well enough alone, and minimized what time I spent with him. Did I not realize that forcing contact with him on a constant basis would only exacerbate the situation? I'm a smart woman, so yes, I must have known, at least on some level.
I feel the need to pick this apart a bit, so bear with me, will you?
Was I trying to get closer to him for my own selfish reasons? Or, on the other hand, did I think that maybe seeing him all the time would allow me to just "get used to him", and let the feelings gradually die off?
There were other reasons for it of course, that had nothing to do with feelings. Joe has a beautiful voice - he's a fantastic tenor, and a true compliment to our group. Fred*, our bass, has an equally strong voice, and at 72, he's a going concern! He's in better shape than the rest of us combined. Sherry*, our soprano and youngest member, has a lovely sweetness to her voice, and with my chesty alto, we really do make a wonderful team.
Sherry is the only other person on the planet who knows everything. I wonder though, if she's taking it seriously enough, or if she thinks I'm simply "infatuated" with Joe, and it will pass. Sorry Sherry, but I'd give so much if that were true.
There is nothing naive about me. I've been around, I know how people think, and I've thought this situation through backwards and forwards. Joe might very well love me, but he too is not a stupid man, and I don't think he's the type that would ever consider cheating on his wife. No more than I would consider cheating on my husband.
So what do I do?
Put on my big girl pants, suck it up, and behave accordingly. Try to keep my hands off of him. Try not to breathe in his scent when he hugs me hello, good bye, and "just because". Never look at him and get lost in his gaze.
Hope Brian takes me seriously, and does his part to get us back on track. Keep the tears in check while I sit here and try to get some work done.
* not their real names.
I feel the need to pick this apart a bit, so bear with me, will you?
Was I trying to get closer to him for my own selfish reasons? Or, on the other hand, did I think that maybe seeing him all the time would allow me to just "get used to him", and let the feelings gradually die off?
There were other reasons for it of course, that had nothing to do with feelings. Joe has a beautiful voice - he's a fantastic tenor, and a true compliment to our group. Fred*, our bass, has an equally strong voice, and at 72, he's a going concern! He's in better shape than the rest of us combined. Sherry*, our soprano and youngest member, has a lovely sweetness to her voice, and with my chesty alto, we really do make a wonderful team.
Sherry is the only other person on the planet who knows everything. I wonder though, if she's taking it seriously enough, or if she thinks I'm simply "infatuated" with Joe, and it will pass. Sorry Sherry, but I'd give so much if that were true.
There is nothing naive about me. I've been around, I know how people think, and I've thought this situation through backwards and forwards. Joe might very well love me, but he too is not a stupid man, and I don't think he's the type that would ever consider cheating on his wife. No more than I would consider cheating on my husband.
So what do I do?
Put on my big girl pants, suck it up, and behave accordingly. Try to keep my hands off of him. Try not to breathe in his scent when he hugs me hello, good bye, and "just because". Never look at him and get lost in his gaze.
Hope Brian takes me seriously, and does his part to get us back on track. Keep the tears in check while I sit here and try to get some work done.
* not their real names.
Joe
You're probably wondering what Joe is doing, in the middle of this. Truth is, I'm just not sure. Am I sure that he has feelings for me? Yup. He's made that very clear. How far they go? Hopefully not as far as mine do.
Are you wondering if I'm just some nut-job on the prowl, looking to stir up trouble? A fair question, but again, I assure you that isn't the case. I have a conscience. I have morals. And now I have a problem.
When I met Brian all those years ago, it was love at first sight. I know, it sounds trite, but it's true. Had to be true, because we were both sweaty and grimy, and a far cry from meeting-scene perfection. I knew when I looked into his beautiful blue eyes, that I had found my match. Yet I still wonder to this day what would have happened had we really taken our time, and thought things through a little longer. We met in September, and were married the following June. Our first years together were the same as most couples - lots of physical, lots of butterflies.
Our first daughter came along, and I think that is where our good sex life ended. Both of my pregnancies were long term nightmares, and while I carried both safely and to term, they were painful months, and incredibly emotional. I'm the first to admit that I go slightly nuts (emotional-to-the-extreme) during pregnancy. Hormones have never been my friend, and this was chaos. During this time, we fought quite a bit, and then after she was born, our thoughts were more on her, and less on each other. And of course, my body was forever changed with the hormone therapy and subsequent pregnancy. I'm not stupid; I know that played a part in this. So Brian and I slowly drifted into a different sort of relationship.
I know what you're thinking. You think I'm writing this as a lead up to leaving my husband. You're wrong. I have no intention of ever acting on this. What I'm feeling, while it's slowly eating me alive, is something I don't think I can ever come to terms with in that way. No one can ever know how I feel about Joe. I don't want to hurt my husband, or my children, or the dozens of friends we share, on both sides. I can't bear the thought of breaking that many hearts. So for now, only mine will be broken.
In time, I hope it will heal. Make me stronger.
Are you wondering if I'm just some nut-job on the prowl, looking to stir up trouble? A fair question, but again, I assure you that isn't the case. I have a conscience. I have morals. And now I have a problem.
When I met Brian all those years ago, it was love at first sight. I know, it sounds trite, but it's true. Had to be true, because we were both sweaty and grimy, and a far cry from meeting-scene perfection. I knew when I looked into his beautiful blue eyes, that I had found my match. Yet I still wonder to this day what would have happened had we really taken our time, and thought things through a little longer. We met in September, and were married the following June. Our first years together were the same as most couples - lots of physical, lots of butterflies.
Our first daughter came along, and I think that is where our good sex life ended. Both of my pregnancies were long term nightmares, and while I carried both safely and to term, they were painful months, and incredibly emotional. I'm the first to admit that I go slightly nuts (emotional-to-the-extreme) during pregnancy. Hormones have never been my friend, and this was chaos. During this time, we fought quite a bit, and then after she was born, our thoughts were more on her, and less on each other. And of course, my body was forever changed with the hormone therapy and subsequent pregnancy. I'm not stupid; I know that played a part in this. So Brian and I slowly drifted into a different sort of relationship.
I know what you're thinking. You think I'm writing this as a lead up to leaving my husband. You're wrong. I have no intention of ever acting on this. What I'm feeling, while it's slowly eating me alive, is something I don't think I can ever come to terms with in that way. No one can ever know how I feel about Joe. I don't want to hurt my husband, or my children, or the dozens of friends we share, on both sides. I can't bear the thought of breaking that many hearts. So for now, only mine will be broken.
In time, I hope it will heal. Make me stronger.
Sleepless nights
I can't sleep, my clothes are falling off of me (actually, this is an acceptable side effect) because the thought of eating makes me queasy, and as I sit and think about him, my chest hurts.
How can I be in love with someone else's husband? How did this happen?
I love my own husband. I truly do. We've been married for 18 years, and I still love the feel of his strong arms around me, and the feel of his lips on mine. Trouble is, perhaps, that our waning sex life (don't worry, no details forthcoming) has been a major issue for me for a long time now. He's just not interested. He's too tired. His back hurts. I try not to take it personally, but you know that I do. He's a young man, at 43 - these are excuses and nothing more. If he wanted me, he'd be on board.
Maybe it's that I feel now, after all these years, like I've married a friend. He is my friend. But am I still "in love" with this friend? I think so until my thoughts turn to Joe*. Then I'm just not sure.
Joe and I have so many things in common, where Brian* and I do not. Obviously, after so many years, we do have the normal things in common - two gorgeous daughters, how we feel about raising them, our dog, cat, and mutual friends. Normal things. Comfortable things.
But Joe... Joe has this way of looking at me. It's soul searching. It's penetrating. When we sing together (we formed a quartet last June with 2 other friends) we resonate. I feel it to my very core. When he touches me in passing... ah.
Joe is 15 years older than I am, and he's been married for 33 years to the same woman. I want to hate this woman. I want to find faults in her that would make wanting Joe just a little more acceptable. But the truth is, she's a fine person. She's smart, funny, and I respect her. We all have faults, and mine is shining loud and clear right now.
So... I love Joe. From a distance, and in silence. This blog is going to either help me deal with this, or make it worse. Only time will tell. Thanks for taking the journey with me.
*As this is anonymous blog, you know I'm not going to give you real names. I'm sure you'll be able to deal with that.
How can I be in love with someone else's husband? How did this happen?
I love my own husband. I truly do. We've been married for 18 years, and I still love the feel of his strong arms around me, and the feel of his lips on mine. Trouble is, perhaps, that our waning sex life (don't worry, no details forthcoming) has been a major issue for me for a long time now. He's just not interested. He's too tired. His back hurts. I try not to take it personally, but you know that I do. He's a young man, at 43 - these are excuses and nothing more. If he wanted me, he'd be on board.
Maybe it's that I feel now, after all these years, like I've married a friend. He is my friend. But am I still "in love" with this friend? I think so until my thoughts turn to Joe*. Then I'm just not sure.
Joe and I have so many things in common, where Brian* and I do not. Obviously, after so many years, we do have the normal things in common - two gorgeous daughters, how we feel about raising them, our dog, cat, and mutual friends. Normal things. Comfortable things.
But Joe... Joe has this way of looking at me. It's soul searching. It's penetrating. When we sing together (we formed a quartet last June with 2 other friends) we resonate. I feel it to my very core. When he touches me in passing... ah.
Joe is 15 years older than I am, and he's been married for 33 years to the same woman. I want to hate this woman. I want to find faults in her that would make wanting Joe just a little more acceptable. But the truth is, she's a fine person. She's smart, funny, and I respect her. We all have faults, and mine is shining loud and clear right now.
So... I love Joe. From a distance, and in silence. This blog is going to either help me deal with this, or make it worse. Only time will tell. Thanks for taking the journey with me.
*As this is anonymous blog, you know I'm not going to give you real names. I'm sure you'll be able to deal with that.
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